Today is

2 years since I almost died.

I still have a hard time comprehending that. I almost died. At 39 years old. And would have left 3 kids behind. My girls wouldn't even know who I was.

I have heard many stories of that time. I remember very little. My neighbor told me she heard Erich flying up the street a little after midnight. She thought for sure I was gone. I vaguely remember that over night in the crappy ICU here in NJ before I was transferred over to the wonderful ICU at Einstein. I vaguely remember the ambulance ride. I vividly remember my husband crying when I got to Einstein (he wasn't allowed to ride in the ambulance with me) and I couldn't connect the dots to figure out why he was so upset. What I didn't know was that they had told my husband and my mother that there was a good chance I wouldn't survive the ambulance ride. They were just waiting to see if I came through the doors of the ICU.

I had emergency surgery Labor Day Monday morning that saved my life. They allowed my husband to come into the OR with me before hand to say good bye. Once again, no one knew if I would live through the surgery. I do remember telling my husband to take care of my babies...and crying. I still cry to this day when I think of telling him that. I cannot even begin to imagine not being with my children.

The week before that surgery and most of the week after are pretty non existent in my memory. I had a lot of blood transfusions and fresh frozen plasma....8 bags of FFP. And 3 more surgeries after the emergency one. But honestly, I don't remember any of it except for bits and pieces. I really thought I was awake a lot of the time in the ICU. My mom says I slept a lot. I can honestly say that dying is really not a bad thing. I would imagine dying in a horrific car crash sucks. But when you are so sick like I was, your brain does not allow you to figure out what is really going on around you. You just kind of drift in and out and I would imagine when you finally cross over, you just sort of fade away.

I have a lot of issues with my memory. Not sure if it will ever be back for me. High school friends talk about things that happened back when we were in school. I cannot remember it. You could tell me some juicy little bit of gossip and more than likely, I won't remember it next week. So please, if you tell me something and I don't remember, cut me a little slack. One good thing is, I can usually read books over and over again if I wait a little bit between each reading. Most times I cannot remember what I read before.

And as much as it sucks not having my memory 100%, it would have sucked worse for my girls to have no memory of me. I will gladly give up memories of when I was 15 to still be here with my kids. My heart just aches at the thought of my husband having to raise the kids alone.

I am still not sure why I am still here. Maybe I will never know. I do know I had lots of people on my side during that time. And I will be eternally grateful. And I try to live my life each day like it truly is a present. Even on the suckiest days, I realize the alternative could have been much, much worse.

End of Summer

I know I just wrote a post about this a few weeks ago but tomorrow it is official.

Maybe I am a freak of nature but I am sad that summer is over. I am sad my kids are going back to school.

My kids are great kids. I enjoy being home with them. They really are good kids. It has been so nice to have no where to be. At a certain time. Or a certain date. No alarm clock. No running around in the morning to get to the bus. Lunch whenever we want it. Not at a certain time. Pool. Playground. Bikes. Whatever. We did it. Whenever. Time just goes so fast. Where did my babies go?? I have a 6th grader! A 6th grader! a middle schooler. How did that happen?? Where did my little baby boy go?? And a full time kindergarten girl! Where did THAT baby girl go?? She is now missing some teeth and riding a bike and reading.

 Lucky for me, I still have my bonus baby at home. But in just 3 short years, she will be leaving me.

I am so glad I started later in life and had my babies later. I have so much more time with them and can appreciate them more than I would have in my 20s. Being in your 40s with a baby really is a blessing. She keeps me young. And happy.

But I will still miss her brother and sister.

Only 9 months until Summer 2012.

6 years ago

2005

I took my son for his first day of kindergarten. And cried like a fool. That night, my water broke. And the next day at 12:17 am, I had my beautiful baby girl.

That was also the night of Hurricane Katrina. I remember watching the coverage, during labor and then for the next 3 days that I was in the hospital (emergency C Section). What a scary, horrible time for the people in that area. But all I could think about at that time, and every anniversary since, is the women that were having babies that night, at the same time as I was, under completely different circumstances. In the middle of a hurricane. How many gave birth at home? Unexpectedly? I remember reading somewhere that the high pressure causes women to go into labor. How many were in hospitals? But with no power? Or no doctors for that matter? How many babies were born premature that didn't have an available NICU?

I look at my daughter every year on her birthday and think of those other mothers. I hope they are also celebrating 6th birthdays with their children. If not for my location, I could have very easily been one of those moms.

End of the Summer

Where did it go? Summer 2011 is just about over.

As crazy as my kids can make me, I love having them home. With no schedule. And nowhere to be. Want to go to the pool? Sure. Let's go. Want to stay in PJs for 2 days straight? Sure. Let's do that too.

Somehow, this fall, I will have a middle schooler. And a kindergartener. Where did that time go?? Where is my baby boy? Oh he is now wearing name brand clothes from those mens cologne smelling stores in the mall. And where is my baby girl? She is now missing her two front teeth (and now has the Cindy Brady lisp with those missing teeth) and is about to turn 6 in 2 days.

Back to early mornings. School bus. Lunch boxes. Homework. Early bed time.

Lucky for me. I still have one more at home. I don't even want to think about her leaving me for school. Luckily, I have a few years. A few. Short. Years.

We still have about 10 days of summer vacation. And I am going to suck up every minute of it with my 3 favorite little people.

This Mother's Day

I wish my fellow mommies nothing but happiness.

And I wish you the following

~No doing the wash, emptying the dishwasher or cleaning
~No changing diapers
~No puking
~No cooking dinner
~A nice long bath without someone sticking their hands under the door asking you what you are doing
~A chance to watch a tv show you love...whether in real time or DVRed..and you get to hold the remote the ENTIRE time
~All the time on any website you want...whether it is Facebook or CNN or TMZ

And most of all, time with your shorties. Or time WITHOUT your shorties. Whichever works for you.

Me, I am spending the day with my favorite 3 little people. I would have never thought a decade ago that I would be blessed with 3 wonderful children. They are the best presents I could ever ask for. ♥

40

This weekend, one of my friends celebrated her 40th. Her husband had a surprise party for her. I really had a lot of fun.

I am fortunate. I have had the same core group of friends from the time we were in diapers. I know I can count on them in any situation. Of course, like all friendships, we come and go in and out of each others lives. We all married and had kids and of course our families are our #1 priorities. But I would drop everything I was doing in a heart beat to go be at any one of their sides if they needed me. And I know they would do the same for me.

We were all at the same table at the party. And we laughed and talked and drank and ate for hours. And then moved our party to a bar (where one of ours friends daughter was BARTENDING!! How did we become old enough for THAT to happen??) We have seen each other through our ups and downs. Our kids baptisms. Proms. Graduations. Sadly, some loss of our parents. And then of course, soon enough, our kids weddings and their children. And we can sit back and watch as our children go through life like we did before them.

I can only hope my children have at least one friend like this like I have a GROUP of friends like this. How many people can say they have had the same friends for their ENTIRE lives??

I can.

I love each and every one of my best girl friends. I look forward to growing old together with you.

And of course, the drinking and eating too. And most important. LAUGHING. ♥

You can...

Pick your friends...

You can pick your nose.

But you cannot pick your friends noses.

However, you can pick your sisters nose.

Erika kept telling me Casey had a boogie. Like 20 times. I said I would get to it. She kept telling me. Then she decided to take matters into her own hands. Or her own fingers I guess. And got the little snot out of the little snot.

Children are very interesting.

His ♥

is my ♥

2 Sundays ago, the hubs wasn't feeling good. He actually hadn't felt well for a few days. Flu-ish. But on Sunday, he started having some chest pain. Of course, my first thought was heart attack. But no shooting pain down his arm or shortness of breath. For my husband to complain, however, it had to be bad. We took him over to the ER. They did all of the standard tests (EKG etc) but nothing showed up. After being there a few hours, he had the pain again. Nitroglycerin stopped it. Uhhhh Ohhhh. His blood work came back wonky. They decide to admit him to run some more tests on Monday.

Monday morning he calls me. His cardiac enzymes came back and they think he had a heart attack. He is being transferred that afternoon to another hospital for a cardiac cath. WHAT?? I went and got the kids out of school and off we went. We met him at the first hospital and waited for the ambulance for him. Went to the other hospital. Waited in the surgery waiting area. Then they let us come back into the cardiac cath area which really surprised me considering I had all 3 kids with me. We got all of the worse case scenarios..bypass, open heart. BLAH. We kissed him goodbye and off he went.

Back to the surgical waiting area. Within about 20 mins, one of the cardiologists came to find me. And gave me the shock of my life. One artery. 90% blocked!! I actually had to have her repeat what she said because I thought I heard her wrong. My 45 year old husband DID have what they called a "small" heart attack and had to have angioplasty done to open up one of his arteries. Thank goodness the other ones were wide open and his heart looked strong.

They let us come back to the cardiac cath area again to see him post op. What a freaky sight seeing my big, strong, never gets sick husband lying flat on a gurney so his femoral artery doesn't bust open. (They go in through the femoral for the cath) But he was alive. And himself.

He stayed one more night. And came home to us in one piece. Especially with his ♥. It still blows me away that my 45 year old husband had a heart attack. Heart attacks are for old people. And he never had any of the "classic" signs. His pain was more centered up near his shoulder blade. And me bitching at him is what got him to finally go to the hospital. What if I hadn't taken him??

All 3 of my kids were so good in the hospital. They really were my angels. Erika did cry for 2 days straight while her father was in the hospital. I know she was freaked out. I don't know how people do it when one of the parents die. Erika would have been in counseling for years.

It doesn't matter how old you are. Shit happens. If you don't feel right, get it checked. I shudder to think what would have happened if he hadn't gone.

And the one thing I kept thinking about was our trip to Disney World back in December. I was so glad we had taken it. If something, God forbid, did happen to him, we always had that trip with him.

Life is too short. Grab every chance you get. Love. Love. Love.

Another Mammogram

Lucky me. I get to go back tomorrow. I had my first ever "squishing" last June. Saw some calcifications on the right side. Wonderful. So I have to be checked in 6 months to make sure all is good. Which is tomorrow.

I know. I know. Lots of women have this. One of my BFFs has it and goes every 6 months to be checked and all is fine. But it is still scary.

Breast cancer scares me. No. Scare isn't a strong enough word. TERRIFIES me would be more like it.

I will be glad when it is this time tomorrow. And I have my answers.

On a side note, mammograms are not all that bad. All the hype. And it really was nothing. Of course, I could think of better things then having my boobies in a vice. But it is super quick. Literally seconds. And it doesn't hurt at all. Uncomfortable? Yes. Pain? No. I am sure I could google the statistics on how early detection prevents cancer. But I am too lazy. :) Google it yourself if you really must know.

So to all of my girls over 40, get it done!

2011

Here we are. Another year gone. Another one starting.

2011

I never make resolutions. Why is one day more special then any other to try and improve myself? And who keeps them anyway?? I don't have any vices. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I do probably curse too much. That might be one to try.

I have settled on a few things that I really need to make an effort to try and improve.

1. A cleaner house. Well maybe not so much cleaner as less clutter. We are in a constant state of messiness. Not dirty. No roaches. No dirty dishes under the couch. No food on the floor. But way too much crap just thrown in way too many places. I have a friend who calls it C.H.A.O.S. Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. We definitely live in CHAOS. Baby Steps. I am going to start with one room at a time. Probably will take me the whole year.

2. Cooking. I really need to cook more. Or find easy recipes. I am not a bad cook. The kids always seem to like what I make. More I guess I am not an inspired cook. I find it tedious. I do cook 4-5 nights a week. Part of the problem is my kitchen is a mess. (See CHAOS above!) LEGOS being built on my kitchen table. Kitchen counter is covered in mail and school work and everything else. Erika's easel in the middle of the kitchen. Perhaps I should start with cleaning the kitchen first. THEN I can cook.

3. Nookie. :) The hubs and I definitely need more US time. It is hard. 3 kids. He works 70 hours a week. Homework. Dance class. Wash. ETC ETC ETC... I am tired. He is tired. When we go to bed, we really just want to sleep. I think we need to be more creative and MAKE the time to be with each other. Luckily, we really do LIKE each other so we can continue to make our marriage stronger. But we definitely could use more nookie.

I plan on making a conscious effort to really work on the above. It looks good on paper (or the screen) but I really need to get up every morning and WORK at it.

Happy 2011 everyone. I hope it is a good one!