Today is

2 years since I almost died.

I still have a hard time comprehending that. I almost died. At 39 years old. And would have left 3 kids behind. My girls wouldn't even know who I was.

I have heard many stories of that time. I remember very little. My neighbor told me she heard Erich flying up the street a little after midnight. She thought for sure I was gone. I vaguely remember that over night in the crappy ICU here in NJ before I was transferred over to the wonderful ICU at Einstein. I vaguely remember the ambulance ride. I vividly remember my husband crying when I got to Einstein (he wasn't allowed to ride in the ambulance with me) and I couldn't connect the dots to figure out why he was so upset. What I didn't know was that they had told my husband and my mother that there was a good chance I wouldn't survive the ambulance ride. They were just waiting to see if I came through the doors of the ICU.

I had emergency surgery Labor Day Monday morning that saved my life. They allowed my husband to come into the OR with me before hand to say good bye. Once again, no one knew if I would live through the surgery. I do remember telling my husband to take care of my babies...and crying. I still cry to this day when I think of telling him that. I cannot even begin to imagine not being with my children.

The week before that surgery and most of the week after are pretty non existent in my memory. I had a lot of blood transfusions and fresh frozen plasma....8 bags of FFP. And 3 more surgeries after the emergency one. But honestly, I don't remember any of it except for bits and pieces. I really thought I was awake a lot of the time in the ICU. My mom says I slept a lot. I can honestly say that dying is really not a bad thing. I would imagine dying in a horrific car crash sucks. But when you are so sick like I was, your brain does not allow you to figure out what is really going on around you. You just kind of drift in and out and I would imagine when you finally cross over, you just sort of fade away.

I have a lot of issues with my memory. Not sure if it will ever be back for me. High school friends talk about things that happened back when we were in school. I cannot remember it. You could tell me some juicy little bit of gossip and more than likely, I won't remember it next week. So please, if you tell me something and I don't remember, cut me a little slack. One good thing is, I can usually read books over and over again if I wait a little bit between each reading. Most times I cannot remember what I read before.

And as much as it sucks not having my memory 100%, it would have sucked worse for my girls to have no memory of me. I will gladly give up memories of when I was 15 to still be here with my kids. My heart just aches at the thought of my husband having to raise the kids alone.

I am still not sure why I am still here. Maybe I will never know. I do know I had lots of people on my side during that time. And I will be eternally grateful. And I try to live my life each day like it truly is a present. Even on the suckiest days, I realize the alternative could have been much, much worse.

End of Summer

I know I just wrote a post about this a few weeks ago but tomorrow it is official.

Maybe I am a freak of nature but I am sad that summer is over. I am sad my kids are going back to school.

My kids are great kids. I enjoy being home with them. They really are good kids. It has been so nice to have no where to be. At a certain time. Or a certain date. No alarm clock. No running around in the morning to get to the bus. Lunch whenever we want it. Not at a certain time. Pool. Playground. Bikes. Whatever. We did it. Whenever. Time just goes so fast. Where did my babies go?? I have a 6th grader! A 6th grader! a middle schooler. How did that happen?? Where did my little baby boy go?? And a full time kindergarten girl! Where did THAT baby girl go?? She is now missing some teeth and riding a bike and reading.

 Lucky for me, I still have my bonus baby at home. But in just 3 short years, she will be leaving me.

I am so glad I started later in life and had my babies later. I have so much more time with them and can appreciate them more than I would have in my 20s. Being in your 40s with a baby really is a blessing. She keeps me young. And happy.

But I will still miss her brother and sister.

Only 9 months until Summer 2012.