Today is

2 years since I almost died.

I still have a hard time comprehending that. I almost died. At 39 years old. And would have left 3 kids behind. My girls wouldn't even know who I was.

I have heard many stories of that time. I remember very little. My neighbor told me she heard Erich flying up the street a little after midnight. She thought for sure I was gone. I vaguely remember that over night in the crappy ICU here in NJ before I was transferred over to the wonderful ICU at Einstein. I vaguely remember the ambulance ride. I vividly remember my husband crying when I got to Einstein (he wasn't allowed to ride in the ambulance with me) and I couldn't connect the dots to figure out why he was so upset. What I didn't know was that they had told my husband and my mother that there was a good chance I wouldn't survive the ambulance ride. They were just waiting to see if I came through the doors of the ICU.

I had emergency surgery Labor Day Monday morning that saved my life. They allowed my husband to come into the OR with me before hand to say good bye. Once again, no one knew if I would live through the surgery. I do remember telling my husband to take care of my babies...and crying. I still cry to this day when I think of telling him that. I cannot even begin to imagine not being with my children.

The week before that surgery and most of the week after are pretty non existent in my memory. I had a lot of blood transfusions and fresh frozen plasma....8 bags of FFP. And 3 more surgeries after the emergency one. But honestly, I don't remember any of it except for bits and pieces. I really thought I was awake a lot of the time in the ICU. My mom says I slept a lot. I can honestly say that dying is really not a bad thing. I would imagine dying in a horrific car crash sucks. But when you are so sick like I was, your brain does not allow you to figure out what is really going on around you. You just kind of drift in and out and I would imagine when you finally cross over, you just sort of fade away.

I have a lot of issues with my memory. Not sure if it will ever be back for me. High school friends talk about things that happened back when we were in school. I cannot remember it. You could tell me some juicy little bit of gossip and more than likely, I won't remember it next week. So please, if you tell me something and I don't remember, cut me a little slack. One good thing is, I can usually read books over and over again if I wait a little bit between each reading. Most times I cannot remember what I read before.

And as much as it sucks not having my memory 100%, it would have sucked worse for my girls to have no memory of me. I will gladly give up memories of when I was 15 to still be here with my kids. My heart just aches at the thought of my husband having to raise the kids alone.

I am still not sure why I am still here. Maybe I will never know. I do know I had lots of people on my side during that time. And I will be eternally grateful. And I try to live my life each day like it truly is a present. Even on the suckiest days, I realize the alternative could have been much, much worse.

End of Summer

I know I just wrote a post about this a few weeks ago but tomorrow it is official.

Maybe I am a freak of nature but I am sad that summer is over. I am sad my kids are going back to school.

My kids are great kids. I enjoy being home with them. They really are good kids. It has been so nice to have no where to be. At a certain time. Or a certain date. No alarm clock. No running around in the morning to get to the bus. Lunch whenever we want it. Not at a certain time. Pool. Playground. Bikes. Whatever. We did it. Whenever. Time just goes so fast. Where did my babies go?? I have a 6th grader! A 6th grader! a middle schooler. How did that happen?? Where did my little baby boy go?? And a full time kindergarten girl! Where did THAT baby girl go?? She is now missing some teeth and riding a bike and reading.

 Lucky for me, I still have my bonus baby at home. But in just 3 short years, she will be leaving me.

I am so glad I started later in life and had my babies later. I have so much more time with them and can appreciate them more than I would have in my 20s. Being in your 40s with a baby really is a blessing. She keeps me young. And happy.

But I will still miss her brother and sister.

Only 9 months until Summer 2012.

6 years ago

2005

I took my son for his first day of kindergarten. And cried like a fool. That night, my water broke. And the next day at 12:17 am, I had my beautiful baby girl.

That was also the night of Hurricane Katrina. I remember watching the coverage, during labor and then for the next 3 days that I was in the hospital (emergency C Section). What a scary, horrible time for the people in that area. But all I could think about at that time, and every anniversary since, is the women that were having babies that night, at the same time as I was, under completely different circumstances. In the middle of a hurricane. How many gave birth at home? Unexpectedly? I remember reading somewhere that the high pressure causes women to go into labor. How many were in hospitals? But with no power? Or no doctors for that matter? How many babies were born premature that didn't have an available NICU?

I look at my daughter every year on her birthday and think of those other mothers. I hope they are also celebrating 6th birthdays with their children. If not for my location, I could have very easily been one of those moms.

End of the Summer

Where did it go? Summer 2011 is just about over.

As crazy as my kids can make me, I love having them home. With no schedule. And nowhere to be. Want to go to the pool? Sure. Let's go. Want to stay in PJs for 2 days straight? Sure. Let's do that too.

Somehow, this fall, I will have a middle schooler. And a kindergartener. Where did that time go?? Where is my baby boy? Oh he is now wearing name brand clothes from those mens cologne smelling stores in the mall. And where is my baby girl? She is now missing her two front teeth (and now has the Cindy Brady lisp with those missing teeth) and is about to turn 6 in 2 days.

Back to early mornings. School bus. Lunch boxes. Homework. Early bed time.

Lucky for me. I still have one more at home. I don't even want to think about her leaving me for school. Luckily, I have a few years. A few. Short. Years.

We still have about 10 days of summer vacation. And I am going to suck up every minute of it with my 3 favorite little people.

This Mother's Day

I wish my fellow mommies nothing but happiness.

And I wish you the following

~No doing the wash, emptying the dishwasher or cleaning
~No changing diapers
~No puking
~No cooking dinner
~A nice long bath without someone sticking their hands under the door asking you what you are doing
~A chance to watch a tv show you love...whether in real time or DVRed..and you get to hold the remote the ENTIRE time
~All the time on any website you want...whether it is Facebook or CNN or TMZ

And most of all, time with your shorties. Or time WITHOUT your shorties. Whichever works for you.

Me, I am spending the day with my favorite 3 little people. I would have never thought a decade ago that I would be blessed with 3 wonderful children. They are the best presents I could ever ask for. ♥

40

This weekend, one of my friends celebrated her 40th. Her husband had a surprise party for her. I really had a lot of fun.

I am fortunate. I have had the same core group of friends from the time we were in diapers. I know I can count on them in any situation. Of course, like all friendships, we come and go in and out of each others lives. We all married and had kids and of course our families are our #1 priorities. But I would drop everything I was doing in a heart beat to go be at any one of their sides if they needed me. And I know they would do the same for me.

We were all at the same table at the party. And we laughed and talked and drank and ate for hours. And then moved our party to a bar (where one of ours friends daughter was BARTENDING!! How did we become old enough for THAT to happen??) We have seen each other through our ups and downs. Our kids baptisms. Proms. Graduations. Sadly, some loss of our parents. And then of course, soon enough, our kids weddings and their children. And we can sit back and watch as our children go through life like we did before them.

I can only hope my children have at least one friend like this like I have a GROUP of friends like this. How many people can say they have had the same friends for their ENTIRE lives??

I can.

I love each and every one of my best girl friends. I look forward to growing old together with you.

And of course, the drinking and eating too. And most important. LAUGHING. ♥

You can...

Pick your friends...

You can pick your nose.

But you cannot pick your friends noses.

However, you can pick your sisters nose.

Erika kept telling me Casey had a boogie. Like 20 times. I said I would get to it. She kept telling me. Then she decided to take matters into her own hands. Or her own fingers I guess. And got the little snot out of the little snot.

Children are very interesting.

His ♥

is my ♥

2 Sundays ago, the hubs wasn't feeling good. He actually hadn't felt well for a few days. Flu-ish. But on Sunday, he started having some chest pain. Of course, my first thought was heart attack. But no shooting pain down his arm or shortness of breath. For my husband to complain, however, it had to be bad. We took him over to the ER. They did all of the standard tests (EKG etc) but nothing showed up. After being there a few hours, he had the pain again. Nitroglycerin stopped it. Uhhhh Ohhhh. His blood work came back wonky. They decide to admit him to run some more tests on Monday.

Monday morning he calls me. His cardiac enzymes came back and they think he had a heart attack. He is being transferred that afternoon to another hospital for a cardiac cath. WHAT?? I went and got the kids out of school and off we went. We met him at the first hospital and waited for the ambulance for him. Went to the other hospital. Waited in the surgery waiting area. Then they let us come back into the cardiac cath area which really surprised me considering I had all 3 kids with me. We got all of the worse case scenarios..bypass, open heart. BLAH. We kissed him goodbye and off he went.

Back to the surgical waiting area. Within about 20 mins, one of the cardiologists came to find me. And gave me the shock of my life. One artery. 90% blocked!! I actually had to have her repeat what she said because I thought I heard her wrong. My 45 year old husband DID have what they called a "small" heart attack and had to have angioplasty done to open up one of his arteries. Thank goodness the other ones were wide open and his heart looked strong.

They let us come back to the cardiac cath area again to see him post op. What a freaky sight seeing my big, strong, never gets sick husband lying flat on a gurney so his femoral artery doesn't bust open. (They go in through the femoral for the cath) But he was alive. And himself.

He stayed one more night. And came home to us in one piece. Especially with his ♥. It still blows me away that my 45 year old husband had a heart attack. Heart attacks are for old people. And he never had any of the "classic" signs. His pain was more centered up near his shoulder blade. And me bitching at him is what got him to finally go to the hospital. What if I hadn't taken him??

All 3 of my kids were so good in the hospital. They really were my angels. Erika did cry for 2 days straight while her father was in the hospital. I know she was freaked out. I don't know how people do it when one of the parents die. Erika would have been in counseling for years.

It doesn't matter how old you are. Shit happens. If you don't feel right, get it checked. I shudder to think what would have happened if he hadn't gone.

And the one thing I kept thinking about was our trip to Disney World back in December. I was so glad we had taken it. If something, God forbid, did happen to him, we always had that trip with him.

Life is too short. Grab every chance you get. Love. Love. Love.

Another Mammogram

Lucky me. I get to go back tomorrow. I had my first ever "squishing" last June. Saw some calcifications on the right side. Wonderful. So I have to be checked in 6 months to make sure all is good. Which is tomorrow.

I know. I know. Lots of women have this. One of my BFFs has it and goes every 6 months to be checked and all is fine. But it is still scary.

Breast cancer scares me. No. Scare isn't a strong enough word. TERRIFIES me would be more like it.

I will be glad when it is this time tomorrow. And I have my answers.

On a side note, mammograms are not all that bad. All the hype. And it really was nothing. Of course, I could think of better things then having my boobies in a vice. But it is super quick. Literally seconds. And it doesn't hurt at all. Uncomfortable? Yes. Pain? No. I am sure I could google the statistics on how early detection prevents cancer. But I am too lazy. :) Google it yourself if you really must know.

So to all of my girls over 40, get it done!

2011

Here we are. Another year gone. Another one starting.

2011

I never make resolutions. Why is one day more special then any other to try and improve myself? And who keeps them anyway?? I don't have any vices. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I do probably curse too much. That might be one to try.

I have settled on a few things that I really need to make an effort to try and improve.

1. A cleaner house. Well maybe not so much cleaner as less clutter. We are in a constant state of messiness. Not dirty. No roaches. No dirty dishes under the couch. No food on the floor. But way too much crap just thrown in way too many places. I have a friend who calls it C.H.A.O.S. Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. We definitely live in CHAOS. Baby Steps. I am going to start with one room at a time. Probably will take me the whole year.

2. Cooking. I really need to cook more. Or find easy recipes. I am not a bad cook. The kids always seem to like what I make. More I guess I am not an inspired cook. I find it tedious. I do cook 4-5 nights a week. Part of the problem is my kitchen is a mess. (See CHAOS above!) LEGOS being built on my kitchen table. Kitchen counter is covered in mail and school work and everything else. Erika's easel in the middle of the kitchen. Perhaps I should start with cleaning the kitchen first. THEN I can cook.

3. Nookie. :) The hubs and I definitely need more US time. It is hard. 3 kids. He works 70 hours a week. Homework. Dance class. Wash. ETC ETC ETC... I am tired. He is tired. When we go to bed, we really just want to sleep. I think we need to be more creative and MAKE the time to be with each other. Luckily, we really do LIKE each other so we can continue to make our marriage stronger. But we definitely could use more nookie.

I plan on making a conscious effort to really work on the above. It looks good on paper (or the screen) but I really need to get up every morning and WORK at it.

Happy 2011 everyone. I hope it is a good one!

Fish Check In

But they don't check out.

We seem to be the black hole of fishdom.

Erika wanted a fishbowl for her birthday back in the Summer. She got the glass bowl with 2 feeder fish. Fred 1 and Fred 2. Fred 1 (or maybe it was Fred 2) decided he wanted to go to the big fish bowl in the sky. He jumped out of the bowl (that was on the higher kitchen counter) and I found him on the floor. A good 5 foot jump. Without a bungee cord. I put him back in the bowl. He swam sideways for a while. He was then flushed in to the Atlantic Ocean.

The Fred that is left is slightly nutso. Zips this way and that. Not sure where he thinks he is. Maybe he thinks the ocean??

I decided to surprise Erika this weekend with some new fish. A white one. And 2 Neon Tetra which are small fish but not necessarily tiny. They joined Fred 2 (or maybe Fred 1?) in the fish bowl.

One big happy family.

I went to feed them this afternoon. Did a quick head count. 1.2.3. Hmmmmmmm. Checked again. 1.2.3. Short one Tetra. Looked in the rocks. Looked on the floor. No fishie. I am thinking Fred 1 (or 2?) had some Sushi for lunch. Cannibalism at its best. Or maybe FISHibalism?

Luckily, the Diva has not noticed she is a fish short. I am thinking a trip to the fish store may be in order in the near future.

Fox 29

I love their morning show.

Thankful

Here we are again. Another Thanksgiving.

What am I thankful for?

Of course the obvious. My husband. My kids. They keep me grounded. And love me unconditionally.

My family..especially my mother. There was a long time period where she and I didn't speak. It doesn't matter why now. Just that we are back together. I never realized how much I missed her until she was back.

My family and friends. I am blessed to have both. I have learned over the years. Blood doesn't make you family. Love does. And I have friends that I may not see too often (especially Cookie and Gina). But I know they always have my back and that is all that counts.

The Home Depot. Funny right?? But thanks to that company, my family lives in relative ease and no longer paycheck to paycheck. Don't get me wrong. We are not rolling in it. But we are fortunate to own a brand new car with no car payments. And taking a trip to Disney in a few weeks. And not breaking the bank to do it.

My fridge and freezer. Another funny one right? My fridge and freezer are jammed full of food. My cabinets too. Not everyone has that.

Facebook. Why Facebook?? It has brought so many people to me. Old friends I had lost touch with (mostly HS friends) who I cannot even imagine losing touch with now. New friends (like my friend Naomi in Sweden who is a mom of 3 like me and slightly nuts). Even a cousin who I thought was lost forever. 33 years later. I found her on Facebook. I am so glad to have you back Deb. ♥

Mostly I am thankful to be alive. After my brush with death last year, I have realized how short our time is here on Earth and how we need to make the most of it. I try every day to do that.

Happy Thanksgiving.

a nice short week

I am so glad it is a short week this week.

Yes I am well aware of the fact that I never get a vacation. And having everyone home will probably make me more nuts. But at least I don't have to get everyone up, fed, dressed and out the door to meet Christian's bus by 8:15. We can just be lazy in our PJs for 4 days...well actually 3 since we will be at my moms for Turkey Day.

I love the next 6 weeks. Thanksgiving always reminds me of when I met my husband and gives me the warm fuzzy feeling every year. He was working security at a store in the mall and my first night there was the night before Thanksgiving. Hard to believe that was in 1989. He told me then he was going to marry me and I thought he was nuts (I was 19 at the time) Guess he knew what he was talking about.

Butter

This, by far, is the best butter you will ever have in your life.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/cinnamon-honey-butter-recipe/index.html

Thanks to my BFF Gina who turned me on to it. We made it for our pre Thanksgiving dinner and it went FAST!!

I did tweak it a little. We tried it with the Kosher salt and it was too salty for our taste. Instead, I used salted butter and no extra added salt.

It is like heaven. No other words to describe it.

Prematurity Awareness Day

Somehow I missed that this was yesterday.

Christian was a preemie. Born at 29 weeks. 3 pounds 3 ounces. 15 inches long. Total surprise. He was due on July 4th. I had him Easter Sunday. He gave us no indication he was coming early. Just decided he wanted out and that was it. They did manage to hold him off for a few days and give me time to get the shots to mature his lungs. But by Day 3, I was going into congestive heart failure from the medication I was given to stop labor so he had to be delivered.

There were so many things that could have gone wrong. But never did. He spent about 36 hours with a breathing tube. Another 3 days or so under the O2 hood. And that was it. He just needed to grow.

I can still remember how surreal it was to be discharged and leave my baby behind. To trust others to help him. I was extremely lucky. He had wonderful NICU doctors and nurses...one nurse I am still friends with to this day 10 1/2 years later. It was a feeling I don't wish on anyone. I spent all day, every day with him. From early morning to late at night. And he grew and grew and grew. We brought him home at almost 6 weeks old and at 4 1/2 pounds.

I was never afraid. I knew he would be ok. Call it mothers instinct. He thrived at home. 18 pounds 12 ounces by his first birthday. Met all of his milestones 3 months off. But still met them. No brain issues. CP is a big concern for early babies. Nothing at all. He is a bright boy who does well in school. Likes to talk and gets in trouble for that. But so did I. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Like I said, somehow I missed this yesterday. And it is a good thing in a way. I haven't given a thought to Christian's prematurity in years.

Papa Smurf

Our powder room toilet has been leaking. A few weeks ago, the hubs replaced all of the guts. It was good for a while. Then started to leak again. He actually took it apart and replaced some seal in between the tank and the base. It stopped leaking for a few weeks. Started again a few days ago. Tonight he was going to fix it again.

Except there in one thing different from the last time he fixed it. I put one of those blue disinfecting tablets in the tank. So now the tank and toilet water are blue.

This time around, the toilet is leaking really bad. Still leaking even though he shut the water off. Leaking BLUE water. Every thing is now blue....including his hands!! He was so pissed. "I look like an effing SMURF!!"

Christian and I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. Daddy? Not so much.

The plumber is coming tomorrow between 12 and 4.

I Wonder

how I got to this point sometimes.

Supposedly I am infertile.

We were married in May 1998. In November of that year I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Also with a pre cancerous cervical condition. Had a colposcopy and LEEP done. Luckily it was caught early. In 12 years of follow up, it hasn't come back.

But between the endo and the LEEP, no one was sure what my future held.

I was a lucky infertile lady. I just needed help pinpointing ovulation. We got pregnant on the 2nd cycle of drugs.

And then I miscarried.

We waited a few months and tried again. Those months were terrible. I thought it would never happen again. Got pregnant on the first round of drugs. That was my son. The early bird. The one who couldn't wait for his 4th of July due date. He decided to come on Easter Sunday.

We swore standing over him in the NICU that we wouldn't do it again. We just wanted him to live and be healthy.

When Christian was 3, somehow, we got pregnant. And I miscarried that one.

Well now, I had the itch to have another. Found a WONDERFUL specialist in Ohio. He did a whole round of blood work on me and a surgery to remove my endo. Turns out I have a blood disorder that puts me at a higher risk for miscarriage. Took care of that issue. Surgery to clean out my pipes in October. First round of drugs in December. BAMMMMMM Baby #2!!

Now we think we are done. One of each. Some call it a rich mans family. Boy. Girl.

Someone higher then me had a different opinion.

The Phillies won the World Series. The hubs and I celebrated...appparently a little too much. I didn't feel good on Thanksgiving Day. Thought HMMMM?? Picked up a test. Surprise. Surprise. Did #3 all on our own. I was so surprised. I was afraid to be too excited giving my history. Once again, someone higher then me had a different idea. Baby #3 was a relatively boring pregnancy compared to the first 2 (although 6 weeks after she was born is a whole different story)

Baby #3. My ooops baby. My bonus baby. My bought 2 and got 1 free baby.

I love my family. If you had told me back in 1999 that we would have 3 children, I would have laughed and laughed and laughed. I couldn't imagine my life without these 3. They are all so different yet all so the same. They got the best of both of us wrapped up into these 3 little beings. I never know what each day is going to bring. It is something different every day. I can hardly wait to see them grow. But I want them to stay little forever. ♥

Best part of this whole story? The hubby had to get the old snippety snip back in March. I was told no more babies because of the DVT last year.

The infertile couple needed to get permanent birth control. Ironic.

Parking Lot

Erika's pre k has a tiny parking lot. It is terrible. The spots are angled and you can barely see the paint and the driving lane in between the spots is barely wide enough for a car. Drop off and pick up is hair raising. You have to drive real slow...especially pulling out because you can't see anyone walking.

However, it seems as if all the parents understand this and we all take our time and are courteous to one another.

Except for one parent.

They drive this GIGANTIC SUV. And insist on parking it in front of the walkway to school. In the area that has striped lines through it that says NO PARKING. And if this isn't bad enough, they don't pull up all the way so no one can get past them to leave the parking lot. Every single day. Why?? What makes you so special?? I could understand if you are running late (although the school isn't nutty about lateness. They are 3-5 years old) I could see if you have 6 kids in there. (only one kid ever gets out of the SUV) I schlep my 2 girls every day from where ever I am parked in the lot. Rain. Wind. Cold. Hot. Why can't you??

It really annoys me to no end. But what do I do? Tattle to the director??

I just don't understand why people think they are better then others. I try to step back and think "Maybe I don't know the whole story. Maybe they are handicapped. Maybe the kid can only walk so far." There is always more to the story then what appears on the surface.

But this still annoys me.

Sometimes

during the day, out of the blue, my husband will send me a wonderful email. Something sweet. For nor reason.

And then I remember why I married him. ♥